Joshua Hyatt

The Theory of Evolution By: Joshua Hyatt

I’ve got good news. Well, for a lot of guys, anyway. Not so much for myself and the Calvin Kleins of the world. You see, as humans have evolved, so too has natural selection. Think about this for a second, or even an hour. As we’ve evolved from some knuckle-dragging apes, we’ve become more and more hairless. Not many women want some hairy beast of a man. It shows in how those traits have slowly been bred out of us. This I don’t mind, because it makes sense in my narcissistic mind, and it really works for me. I can help but wonder what’s next, though. Are women going to look at me like an abnormality because I’m really tall and athletic? We no longer have to chase down food to provide for our families. Protecting our families can only happen with the pull of a trigger or a panicked 911 call. Why would my traits help the future? We don’t have to travel long distances on foot or carry our women and children. And getting down in to some fuel-efficient car just looks awkward. What kind of women would be attracted to a guy that looks as awkward as a new-born baby deer getting into a car? But even that I think I can get around. Even in a world where physical competitiveness is no longer something to be proud of, I just can’t think of any way a woman can disapprove of my bright blue eyes and straight teeth. Granted, they have a few nicks from past fights, but their straight and effective, I’d say. I don’t see evolution breeding out good teeth.

Now this brings me back to our poor hairy ancestors. There’s obviously some reason evolution took their hair away; I just don’t know what it is. But it still scares me to think how far evolution is willing to go. What’s next? More and more I see more and more hair loss. Is this the new breeding stock of our world? Is my new competition some short, balding guy who can out-Google me in his sleep? Are we destined to eventually look like hermit crabs stranded out of their shells? Are the George Costanzas the new 10’s of the world? Every time I used to see a man with a super-receding hairline or a huge bald spot just refusing to give up and shave it off finally, or at least put on a hat, I’d be slightly embarrassed for him, but now that I think a little more in-depth about it, I’m starting to think they know something I don’t. They know they are the future. Their the studs of the future! A future where Rogaine is just a myth. Wearing their thinning, balding and receding hair as a badge of honor, knowing they’ve beaten me. They’re sexy and they know it.

My only move now is to get a hat to cover this unruly, thick hair. There is no way around evolution, no matter how much I secretly pray and plead with Mother Nature. So my hat’s off… or on… to you, George Costanza. You win, pretty boy.

Joshua Hyatt
DOC #135182

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