Cutie Connection by Stephen Newman

One morning, not too long ago, I received some junk mail. I’ve said before that prison is one of the few places where one actually looks forward to any and all junk mail. It’s nice to have something, anything, to open.

I was beyond intrigued when I saw “Cutie Connection” was on the return address of this particular envelope. Since 2008, I’d received hundreds of unsolicited offers in the mail from companies catering to inmates in various ways. There are pen pal companies, non-nude picture sellers (like PG-13 porn), gift catalog companies, companies who buy unused postage stamps, companies like InmateBlogger who are kind enough to publish my blogs (for free!!)…but Cutie Connection really stood out.

What on earth could this be? How could I possibly not stop what I was doing and open this envelope immediately? I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. I anxiously removed the letter and began to read…

“Are you tired of talking to the same people from your prison phone? Do you need a cutie you can call on and know she is going to answer with every call? We allow you to connect with countless number of women directly from your prison phone! That’s right! No 3-way calling, no call forwarding, no automated systems!”

The ad goes on, but at the end it’s signed:
Mrs. Cutie

And all I could think at the time was, why isn’t it Miss Cutie? Why does my cutie have to be married? Sometimes life seems so unfair. 😦

Their introductory plan was $25 for five cutie phone calls. I was tempted. Things hadn’t been going well with Jenn, I felt sad and lonely and unappreciated, and the prospect of a cutie to cheer me up sounded heavenly.

In the end, I decided not to spend the $25, but now I kind of wish I had. Cutie Connection could be a million-dollar idea…but it probably isn’t. Their disclaimer stated that “all cuties are to be treated with the upmost respect.” Hmm. There’s not a lot of that around here these days. Sorry, cuties. You’re in for a rough ride.

Stephen Newman
DOC #90843


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