what is it? i have no idea… people being noisy in the day room, being disrespectful, not being able to get a hold of the girl i want to talk to, not having a girl who is there at least the majority of the time, maybe its that ive been here for almost ten years, ten years this next march, in 31 days.
there are so many little things that i wish i had in this life. i was supposed to be married by now with a kid or two. instead i am here. and my mind is numb from trying not to think. have you ever tried not to think about something only to think about it ten times harder??? have you ever been alone, not had someone to talk to? if you have ten minutes, i would like to ask you to something. turn everything off, your tv, your phone, and then sit in front of a blank wall, and sit there for ten minutes. ill sit there for hours planning what i want, wishing i could go back, wishing that i felt stronger. wishing i had someone who would at least say that they wish they could hold me. that they wish i were there so that we could be together. and while that may sound cheesey, its just the simple fact that i have never felt so alone as i do here. i am surrounded by people yet i feel utterly alone, like i have no one to turn to, like im stuck in a place where you are just forgotten about. i have a mom and two sisters but they are usually busy and at work, im trying to find pen pals but idk how to open up and say somethings or if it is even okay to say certain things. i dont even know where im going with this, i dont even know whos really going to read this… but these are the sorts of things that get me, these are the things that i try to keep at bay when i am having one of those days….these are the things i dont tell people.who cares if the kid convicted for murder feels like shit casue hes all alone? even though his dad did messed up things that no person should do, even if his dad beat him for years before he killed him, and threatend him that night, who gives a fuck right? will i ever have peace in my mind?
i just want a steak, a beer a steak ad someone to enjoy things with, someone who when i feel like this, can see it and will just sit there and do something as simple as hold my hand. maybe some day, ill get to have one of those days….
Categories: Derek Lewis