Stephen Newman

Case of the Missing Shoes by Steve Newman

Matt went home yesterday. To play one final prank on his cellmate, Kevin, Matt took Kevin’s shoes with him during the checkout process, and turned them into laundry as if they were his own. To Kevin, he left a note:


Hey Little Buddy,

I appreciate you letting me use your shoes. Hopefully laundry won’t give you a hard time about getting a replacement pair. After all, you’d look pretty silly running laps on the rec yard in your shower shoes.
-Matt
—-

Around 11, Kevin woke up, and we all stifled laughs as we watched him shuffle into the dayroom in his flip flops, irate, note in hand. At noon, Miss D. allowed him to go downstairs to laundry to be issued a new pair of shoes. The officer yelled at him — told him he needs to lock his shoes inside his locker from now on, so this won’t happen again. “But but but…I don’t own a lock,” said Kevin. “Doesn’t matter,” was the officer’s reply.

It’s 9:06 AM. My bed is made. I’m rocking out, softly, to my new Christopher Cross album. I recognize this song, “Think of Laura,” but I bet it’s been 30 years since I’ve heard it. It’s the type of song I would’ve grown up listening to on L.A.’s KOST 103, pronounced “Coast” (as “Cost 103” simply doesn’t have the same ring to it). I was convinced, as a kid, that in order to become a DJ for KOST, you had to talk like a very relaxed gay man. When I pretend I’m working there (to keep my radio DJ skills sharp) while walking laps around our rec yard, I get even more attention than usual. “Coooast…..One, ohhhhh, threeee…with a brighter blend of southern California’s light rock….and LESS talk. It’s eight thirteen on a splendid sunny Saturday morning thank you soooo much for riding along with me. I’m Steve Newman, and here comes the soft sound of Christopher Cross as he thinks of….Laura……along (extended pause) The Coast.” (I just hope that while I walk and talk, the other inmates can’t smell my pomegranite mango body wash. They might get the wrong idea.)

At 9:19, the announcement just came in. “Attention, Attention. Just a reminder your beds should be made by now. Your beds should be made.” Hah! I’m one step ahead of the game.

Steve Newman
DOC #90843

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