To try to desribe what was going on in my head as a kid would be hard , because i am not that kid anymore. However , i have thought about that for years .
What would make me murder ? What would make me take someones life ? My mind as an adult would not allow myself to get into anything like this , my morals and belief system would not allow it .
However , i have tried over and over to figure it out but who can honestly say that they can tell you ? i know what i did but i dont understand it .
I can tell you that i was an awkward kid and i was a very impulsive child .
I didnt have much confidence , i didnt have any real friends and i was always looking for friendship .
I was looking for acceptance from all the wrong people . I was hanging out with people who encouraged me to do things that were morally and ethically wrong .
I watched them do things and i thought that was the right way . I took my example from the wrong people , i didnt have that father figure in my life to show me the way .I learned how to do things in the streets from the drug dealers , gang members and even a couple of prostitutes.
The man that i am today looks back and what i see is a cycle of confusion that was started at a young age when i first became acutely aware of my enviorment .
The things that i seen and went through , shaped my reality . Was my vision warped ? Absolutely ! What i considered normal would have been considered perverse by any well adjusted person who grew up in a enviorment that wasnt “GAME / THE LIFE” oriented .
The world cant judge me until they have felt the pain in my feet .
I was not, at a young age , able to navigate the streets without guidiance. Who was suppose to guide me ? Was it my father ? Was it my mom ? Or Was the lessons of experience my teacher ?
The streets taught me things that no little boy should have ever known or seen . The dope game , is a game that should not be played by anybody , certainly not a little kid trying to be the man .
I learned things about women that i shouldnt have known and i learned how to treat women in a certain way . It most definately was not the right way to treat a woman….
Give her some dope and put her on her knees and then her back !
Is this too much ? It may be but its real and sometimes the truth is raw and hurtful . That was part of the life that i lived .
The streets was a horrible teacher but i was a great student who soaked up everything that my teacher showed me , good and bad .
None of this is an excuse for who i was as a kid or the things i did as a kid but it did shape that kid . This reminds me of one my favorite bible scriptures , 1 corinthians 13 : 11
” When i was a child , i spoke as a child , I understood as a child , I thought as a child ; but when i became a man , i put away childish things. ”
I have said this before , not the bible quote , but my past is just that…. my past. My past is in this case , was my childish ways , but when i came into being me ( a grown man ) , i put away childish things . Not forgetting the past but moving on to the future , my future .
After all of this thought , can i come up with an intelligent answer for my crime ? Absolutely not . There is no reasonable answer , the head doctors for kids would tell you that it was because my brain wasnt fully developed and it was all impulsive and that may be true…….
But theres still a question that needs to be answered , what was going on in my head ?
Honestly , i cant answer that , i really dont know .
Lord forgive me .
As always if you want to discuss this more , you know how to get intouch with me . Until the next time . Be safe out there .
JAI’MAR SCOTT
DOC #970703
You make good points. People who have never committed crime often ask, “How could someone do that?” They forget that everyone starts from normal – and everyone’s’ normal’ is not the same. You have come a long way from your own starting point … and that’s something that many people never achieve in a lifetime of normal living.
I read this post and don’t really know what to respond to it. I wanted to say that I feel a strong compassion towards the writer, though.
May God bless you richly!
Devin
Jai’mar, you are right You are not the child you were. I have known others who were swayed as a young child. One is sitting on death row in San Quentin. He grew up in violent home on violent streets. This wasn’t his first murder. But he used his time wisely. He studied all religions to make sense of his life. He decided to study Buddhism. For him it changed his life and gave it value. But each has to find his own path. You can’t change what happened. It breaks my heart knowing any child has to live this way. I don’t know how much time you have but use it wisely. Make good causes. Use the wisdom you have gained to help others. Above all else, don’t give up hope.